I'm recruiting my strength and trying to find a bit of serenity in the total shit that is my life.  Well, no.  My life is good.  I have a good job, great benefits, enough money for fun things and to feed and clothe and provide fun things for my family, and I am well clothed and housed and shod. 

But I'm still--emotionally a bit chaotic.  I found a lot of serenity and inner peace on my retreat.  I didn't read hardly anything, and I was away from the net (which sucked, actually, because it meant I couldn't write), so it was mostly green leaves and knitting and the soft sounds of summer as stimulus.  I had several dreams that I wanted to mention.  Sometimes I have these dreams that guide me, and I haven't had many lately.  (Actually, they're pretty rare.)  

I had one dream about tomatoes.  Yes, I know, silly.  But it was all about how the tomatoes needed to be covered with Pookie fur in order to deter squirrels, and that the time to cover them with fur was when they were turning that pretty light gold before they blushed into red or pink.  I lost my first Early Girl tomato to squirrels (they carried it off, which was shocking since it was huge) when it was nearly ripe.  I pass this information on as I feel it might actually work.  Any carnivore/omnivore fur should work.  I happen to have lots of Pookie fur from him blowing his coat.  

The other two dreams are odd.  I'm not sure what to make of them.  But I offer them as evidence of me being weird or perhaps sartorially obsessed or perhaps prescient. 

In one, I was wearing girl jock clothes.  It felt right.  I leaped around a field, playing some kind of group sport like frisbee golf, and I was enjoying myself.  Sweaty, clean limbed, and fit.  Then I leaped off a small ledge onto grass and laughed and agreed to go skateboarding.  Like I said, weird.  But in the dream it was very clear to me that I was supposed to get girl jock clothes, from Title 9, and wear them out someplace.  Like, as in a group fun thing.  Weird.  But..... sometimes I think the dreams are good guides.  Get an outfit a month, my mind said to me, and go someplace in it.  Girl jock clothes....  I like them.  I enjoy wearing them.  I don't anymore, but I used to, back before the knee, because I was a mad walker and tromper and wanderer.  

Anyone want to help me pick a cute girl!jock outfit?  I think a tomboy skirt, a cute tank, and maybe some saucy smartwool socks with my new Keen sandals.  Watcha think?

The other dream I had was me, wearing my Yohji shirt (the black Hugo Boss) and my awesome Aya necklace, and prowling around.  I need to do that more often.  So I'm going to.  Get up in awesome clothes and good shoes and go enjoy myself in the company of people, instead of falling face down on the bed as soon as I get off work and snoring.  

I had a fabulous wonderful fantastic time at my yearly retreat.

There were toads, lizards, spiders, chipmunks, red tailed squirrels, swallowtailed butterflies, interesting weeds (took some home), birds of all kinds, partriges (I think), wild turkeys, and some truly amazing storms.  But no fireworks.

I am all kinds of relaxed. 

There was no wifi, so I missed writing like mad, but otherwise it was a lovely retreat and something in me is deeply relaxed.  I will return to madness soon, I suppose, with the conference in a few days and work craziness tomorrow and all sorts of whatever, but right now....  *happy sigh*

Things acquired:
Pair of Oakleys
Machine washable, durable, active sandals
YMCA membership renewal
Duffel bag
Toothpaste and travel sized containers
Contact lens solution

I can be active again, so I'm going to be.  I forgot what it's like, but I'm starting to remember and it feels fantastic. 

I went to the mall to get the sunglasses, and I wore a really cute outfit.  Just fancy jeans, a lovely gray shirt, and good shoes.  But I look wonderful--all the work I've done on my skin and hair have paid off.  All the good food I've been eating, too. 

Speaking of food?  I have eaten homegrown tomatoes!!!  My very own tomatoes.  *does an incredibly smug gardener dance*  I think this is further proof of my tomato affinity.  *dances some more*  They were sungold cherries, in case you're curious, and I have Romas, Early Girls, Brandywine, and more all coming along.


I'm going swimming tomorrow!!!!!

Last night I was up a bit late and fell asleep only to be wracked with dramatic, disturbing, spiritual dreams.  It feels a lot like the time I dreamed about Yohji, sitting in my basement packing (he was creepily right that time).  I've got a major and important creative work that is prowling around inside me, getting ready to come out.  In the meantime, I need to finish things up.  Which is what I have been doing.  It just feels....very important.

I have a couple of recipes that I mean to post later.  An exquisite chocolate torte for special occasions and a wonderful salad.  Mostly this post is just about the fact that I climb all over my garden now, moving dirt and muttering, splashing water and drinking from the hose.  I'm stomping around the mall picking out presents and pouncing on shoe sales.  My freckles are all out, my body feels awake and alive, and I'm pretty happy.  Sure, the pain happens, but I am making....not friends with it, but more at peace with it. 

I don't know, it just feels important.  I hope everyone is doing as well as I am today.  It's a good day.  That's mostly what I have to say.  I am blessed in my friends and my family, I'm active again.  It's a really really good day.

It seems that this is a proper thing to do.  I do not want anyone to read my stories and be triggered by accident.  If the warning policy I have here is not sufficient to keep you safe, please do not read my stories. 

As stated in my user profile, I write stories with explicit sex.  I also often write stories that contain kink, mpreg, or violence.  I try to warn for kink but I do not explain the specific kinks; please assume that the kink may potentially include BDSM, biting, marking, toys, violence, gender play, and other potentially upsetting topics and avoid accordingly.  I am happy to answer any questions about a fic to help a reader decide if it would fit or not fit their taste.  Please PM through LJ.

There is one story that I specifically do NOT warn for.  This is an authorial choice, and a firm one.  It is a dark story and in it, the world is an unkind and ugly place.  That story is Formerly Known As, and I will finish it and post all of it.  Eventually, I promise.  In any case, please avoid this story if you do not wish to read dark topics that are often warned for elsewhere. 

Wheeeeeeeeeee!

That's the straight out temp in Kansas City, MO right now.  This is not OK.  I'm just sayin'.

So my laptop has been overloaded, and I was removing files from it.  I decided to remove the Office 2007 trial since I like Office 2003 and I'm not required to use 2007 anymore and the trial has expired.  I followed the instructions and managed to delete (or at least lock myself out of) Office 2003.  I don't have my original discs, you motherfuckers, because they died in a fire flood.  Now I no longer have Office 2003 on my laptop.  So much for easy install and removal of the trial.  These programs are like malware, I swear.

I didn't buy Office for my backup computer, because I am using Open Office for my fic writing.  So, now I do not have Ofiice.  AT ALL.

Mwahahahahaha!

My assignment for the class of doom is in Office format, because it has those stupid graded comments.  I am printing it off from my mom's computer and then I am going to write the stupid thing longhand, retype it at work or my mom's computer, and submit it that way. 

I also have a Cold of Doom and have been trailing kleenexes and cold medicine wherever I go.  It is the sit down for a minute and fall asleep and wake up two hours later kind.  Pity I have training tomorrow, so I can't stay out sick.  Dammit all to hell. 

You probably don't want to hear my maunderings about the writers block, so I will skip it.  This is a snippet, rather than a full chapter, but I wanted to put it out there in the hope that someone might read and enjoy in the meantime.  I've got more than this written, but this is a good stopping place.  I'm not in a mental spot to fight with the html and links and tags and all of that, so bear with me.  I will get the main fic link page working properly, soon, but right now I'm writing and the two aren't compatible brain spaces.

 

( Worksafe alas )

I am feeling a bit glum this week, and being me, I decided that the answer was fic.  I therefore present this meme.  The idea of the meme is quite simple: request a fic that would cheer you, then write a fic for someone else.  In the spirit of good cheer, I see no reason why you cannot write your own request if you are so moved.  

Since I am hosting this little meme, I encourage anyone who feels shy or unconfident to post their fic anonymously if that makes it easier for them.  If for any reason you'd like your request to be anonymous, that's fine, too. 

Different people find different things cheering.  I myself enjoy Aya and Yohji working together (aka assinating bad guys or making bouquets) and discovering their romantic feelings while in the midst of teamwork.  Because I have a buddy fic kink, yes.  I also quite like porn.  Or fluff.  Aya kicking the ass of difficult and intractable problems. 

If you find Aya in reading glasses cheering, by all means request that.  It is all about the good cheer.  The requests may be plotty, gen, slash, friendship, hurt comfort, kink, or anything in between. 

The rules are these:
Write your request as a comment to this post.  Please make one comment per pairing/general type of request.  That should make it easier for writers to sift through requests and grant them.
Write stories as replies, or, because LJ comment limits irritate everyone, post it to your journal (or an archive, or send it to me and I'll post it, etc) and provide a link as a reply. This way requesters can see when their heart's desire has appeared.
Please read and thank authors.  Everyone loves praise!
Please make requests!  We can't write to empty requests!
No shota.


This is a cheering meme, so I'm certainly not limiting it to any one fandom, genre, or pairing.  I personally enjoy writing Aya/Yohji fic, so there's a good chance I'll write a fic for such a request.  There's little chance I would write, say, a fic for Naruto, since I've never read it.  However!  My f-list is full of talented, fun, interested, well-read, and amazing writers, so you never know.  Request what would cheer you and see what happens. 

Please pimp wheresoever you wish!  The more cheering fic, the better, I feel.

I know that some of you are interested in research or conduct it (looks pleadingly at ithiliana ), and I'm curious if anyone has favorite resources on learning basic research methods.  I am currently taking a basic research methods course and I'm a little disappointed with it.  I'm looking to expand and find some good things to read.  I would like to conduct some research myself, especially about patron activity and the recent downturn in use, but I can't without learning about survey tools and research methods. 

The research I'm interested in is library science and reference, but I suspect some things are the same across disciplines.  Where would you start?  Assume I can do a damn good literature review, but that I know zero about statistics and some (but not much) about the human subjects approval board.  

ow.

This is a very bad pain week and it's still going strong.  I've sucked it up and taken the full dose of medicine, which I hate doing, because bye bye brain.  I am sort of trying to wrangle some things to make my long term life better, but I feel a bit overwhelmed. 

I'm toying with posting a cheering fic meme.  I was thinking that I could request some cheering fic, and that I would in return write cheering ficcy snippets for anyone who asked.  Sort of a mini-fic exchange done on the fly.  Sort of the like the wishes kisses.  I could post a request and then anytime I write a fic for someone, I get to make another request.  Same goes for others.  Not sure how it would work, but that's my thought.  Ideas?  I wonder if there's a need for cheering Aya/Yohji fic (besides me)?  Maybe not.  

I adore tea, but certain kinds agree with me and certain kinds upset my tummy.  Both of these are VM tummy approved, so if you have a twitchy system, they may be worth a try.

Kusmi's Prince Wladimir was sent to me by a friend, and I have already ordered more.  This is a variant on Earl Gray.  It's got a lovely series of citrus tones, a mellow tea flavor, and (!!) it has the very same chest loosening properties I associate with Orange Pekoe, but none of the severe tanin bitterness.  This is not an Earl Gray where the bergamot is slathered over the tea in a weird overlay.  In Prince Wladimir, the citrus notes are more integrated, more of a single, lovely unit with bits of citrus flying above but not slamming you in the nose.  It's also got a bit of vanilla and spice.  Mmmmmmm. 

I also very much like the other Kusmi teas I've tried.  I used to get Russian style tea years ago in Portland, but haven't found it again until now.  I like it very very much for breakfast.  I've begun instituting a tea time at work and I find it a great tea for this--it feels like a relaxing treat.  I've found that it is also really beneficial for my airways. 

The next tea I'd like to recommend is Adagio's Yunnan Noir.  This is a funny looking, curled up, very dark and shiny tea.  It has an amazing yunnan flavor--all mellow richness, chocolately and dark but never bitter, even if, like me, you forget and let it steep way too long.  This tea is great with a little cream.  It is a lush, good tea for dark days, and if you like just tea flavor without anything else along with it, I think this is a lovely choice.  It is difficult to describe its complex flavor, but I like it a lot. 

I've been poking around on the intrewebs, but not finding as much luscious Kirk/Spock slash as I'd like.  It's mostly Spock/Uhura, which I like in theory but not in fic.  I will happily read TOS Spock/Kirk, but what I'd really like is reboot Spock/Kirk.  I ran across this one and loved it, but I need MOAR.  All suggestions welcome. 

I know that it's kind of early to be wanting the whole long novel thing, but still....  a girl can hope, right?

I have finished drafting the next girl!Yohji scene.  I wrote it longhand, 8 pages, fountain pen.  Hand sore now.  That is all. 

  Do you want to talk Saiyuki? I've never talked about it with you, although I know you like it. I got the feeling you're pretty much "done" with it - am I imagining that? If not, who (plural, if desired) do you like best, and why? What has been your favorite part of the series so far? smillaraaq and I have both agreed that as decorative as the Gaiden boys are, we like our rough-around-the-edges, broken mortal guys better. Do you agree, or not?

Saiyuki is my first real fandom.  I adore Saiyuki and it's a little complicated.  ( Cut for lonnnnnnnng )

How did you get interested in gardening? Do you have a fond spot in your heart for your first garden?

I think I've always been interested in getting my hands in the dirt.  I just like it.  We didn't have a lot of gardens when I was a kid, although we did occasionally.  Even when I didn't garden, I was always digging and touching plants and making holes and moving wood violets from getting flooded.  When I was about thirteen, after my parents divorced, we moved to a duplex with a yard.  I decided that I wanted to grow some things, and I did a lot of the shopping, so I bought some grocery store/hardware store seeds.  Then I dug up a patch out back behind the garage with a spade I made in shop class.  I planted it according to the package directions and watered it with the hose. 

We had tons of zukes and four o'clocks and nasturtiums.  I am sorry to say that a friend of mine at the time really disliked my gardening and used to refer to the nasturtiums as nasty urchins.  Easy to grow, weedlike flowers that are worthless.  It really hurt my feelings and for a time, I didn't grow them.  

I also grew mint (from seed) and other small vegetables.  Yellow squash, pumpkins, and attempted tomatoes (failed since you can't really start them outside). Sunflowers. I am very fond of that weird little patch of black top soil that I tilled by hand. 

After that duplex, there were no more yards for me, and thus no more gardens (except for one house in Portland, but the helpful lawn service mowed it down.  Oops.)  My beloved fourplex gradually was mellower and mellower about what we could do with the shared yard.  That's where I began my slow journey with container gardens, which is where I built up most of my gardening skill.  I had very little to work with--black walnuts everywhere and no real in ground dirt, little light and mostly bad access to water, et cetera.  But I loved it and made it work.  Gardening just makes me happy.  I can tell when I haven't had my hands in the soil enough.  And oddly, I do think having my hands in the soil shows in the muscles in my fingers.  Gardeners hands look a certain way, the way that massage therapists have hands that look a certain way.  I'm not sure if it is the way working the dirt builds muscles or something else, but it's interesting. 

My current garden is an utter embarrassment of riches.  Copious light everywhere!  Small beds!  Easily moved water!  Rain barrels!  My own compost!  As big a bed as I want!  Room to raise bee-attractors!  Sun-porch!  Shady porch! 

I'm geographically challenged.  If you ask me for directions, I can tell you where to go--turn right at the funny shaped tree, left at the yellow house, up three blocks and then park by the garden gnome--but I am hopeless when it comes to North and South and miles and locales.  I just suck.  I cannot pan out in my head, I visualize land the way that I walk it, and that's not helpful for greater distances. 

I've lived in various cities, liked some (Portland Oregon) and hated some (Philadelphia Pennsylvania) and felt moderate affection for others (Minneapolis and Manhattan Kansas).  I live in Kansas, City Missouri and have for a very long time.  I grew up in this area. 

My personal heart of the city is the Volker Neighborhood.  I miss it terribly, even though it was full of difficult dangers.  There were often gunshots and I called the police for domestic disturbances as well as crimes I saw committed.  But I walked every inch of it, the Pookie by my side, and I knew everyone.  I knew the cafes and the restaurants and the broken chunks of concrete pushed up by tree roots.  I knew the men who lived in the park and the landlords and business owners.  The houses that would be decorated and the ones that held danger and the fine grand old mansions and the small and dirty apartments.  I miss it still.

I now live within the city but in a much more suburban part called Waldo.  The houses are lovely and fine, and the area is, in some ways, just as dodgy.  I'm not terribly far from Troost.   But there are no gunshots or visible crime, no weird tagging and no crazy neighbors.  There are also no walkable cafes or artists and there are no flamenco dancers or Ethiopian restaurants.  So. 

What do you think is Aya's sexual orientation, and why?

I think Aya has a fairly complicated sexual orientation, but I suspect that he thinks it's simple and straightforward.  First and foremost, I think Aya uses (or is willing to use) his body as a weapon.  He'll have sex (with whomever) if it will accomplish something.  I also think that he sees his sexual needs as a bodily need, rather than a primarily emotional one, and will satisfy it in a way that is efficient and effective.  In that respect, I think he's a Kinsey 5: Homosexual with incidental heterosexual.  I think during his youth and early Kritiker days, he rarely indulges his bodily needs outside his own right hand and I suspect he considers himself somewhat a-sexual. 

That's because I think Aya's primary sexual orientation is affectional.  He enjoys being touched by the person he is in love with (or cares deeply for), regardless of gender/appearance/age/whatever.  Obviously, I think his ideal partner is Yohji (quelle surprise, right?) but I have long believed that the reason they make such good partners is because of the affection and friendship, the teamwork and support, that they have.  Yohji's a deeply sexual creature, but Aya is much more cagey.  To Aya, I think there are two kinds of sexual touches: Totally meaningless bodily arousal and deeply emotional soul-stirring touch. 

I tend to think that Aya is a masochist and a submissive.  The masochism is somewhat canonical, I feel, what with all the talk of pain and love and so on.  The submissive aspect is something more complex--I do think Aya is very much in charge in the field.  But because of his out of control life and his ability to go around killing people and his internal extreme emotions, I think he finds refuge in having someone take the reins and direct that emotion for him, and keep him safe.  YMMV and all that.  I think Aya is, well, a difficult person to top.  Which is why it takes a Yohji-level of control to do it.  (I think Yohji has a ton of control, I think he usually just chooses not to control himself, because he likes to push that big red button that says Don't Push.)  The level of Aya's kink is highly dependent, imho, on how long he gets stuck in Kritiker's clutches. 

One of the things I played with in Girl!Yohji (and continue to play with) is Aya's sexual orientation.  The affectional aspect is pretty strong in girl!Yohji--it's not about Yohji's gender per se, it's about the fact that it's Yohji.  Since it is Yohji, it allows Aya to explore aspects of enjoying a female in ways he otherwise might not explore.  And since it's Yohji, it allows Aya to explore aspects of enjoying a male in ways he might otherwise not explore.  *wink*  Ahem.  As we Shall See in futher installments, I hope. 

Stolen from sparkymonster .  Ask me whatever you'd like in the screened comments below.  I'll repost the question (without your name) and my answer.  Questions can be about anything you'd like: stories, my essays, me and my life, the Pookie, the garden, food, class, gender, art, Aya, my dubious taste in classic rock, et cetera. 

Don't be shy!  I could use a good distraction today.